So, I’m going to the beach tomorrow with two girls my age! I’m quite excited. I was at their house for most of the day today. It was really enjoyable. Too bad we didn’t do this six weeks ago.

I have to reshoot the skate club because we taped over their footage at camp…not a good move. So, I’m not really looking forward to that, but at least I won’t be sitting a home bored.

My next two days are looking pretty good, the beach tomorrow, lunch with the young staffers here and packing on Thursday. Then I’m off to Virginia and back home!! How exciting. How lovely it will be to get back. And strange. I’m quite exciting.

I was planning for At the Well today. I really enjoy it. Okay, I’m going now. Bye.

Three days to departure.

Is it bad that I'm counting down like this? No, Caryn's counting down in Spain. I'm normal. Caryn...

I'm tired of people not understanding me. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider with my family and tired of being questioned for every decision I make. I guess my life is completely out of the ordinary. And since unusual things often seem bad, I probably look a little peculiar. I feel like everyone thinks my life is foolish when it seems perfectly wonderful to me. I know I'm making the right decisions. Why doesn't anyone else? I'm having a hard time learning to be an adult in my decision making - separating my decisions from what other's say about them. My Dad said that I should seek wise counsel (which I often to do a fault), but that I get to decide who that wise counsel is. I suppose that if someone who doesn't understand me at all tells me what to do I shouldn't necessarily take it with much weight simply because they're older than I am. Ah me I feel alone.

What a self-pitying little post.

Monday, 4:32 PM, Allendale, NJ

Today has been a good day. I woke up at 10:00 AM after getting in at 1:00 AM from a long day of setting up and striking large pieces of audio and video equipment (Our new live production/editing system shut down 10 times during the show, it was lovely. I highly recommend the VT4 for anyone wanting awful software that doesn’t do what you want it to). I then ate leftover blueberry and strawberry pancakes while talking to Dad and Deb. I called Israel and talked to him for an hour or so (I’m quite fond of him). Then I avoided taking a show for another 30 minutes until my laziness subsided and I gained enough motivation to rid myself of the nast I accumulated over the former wet, dirty 24 hours. Then…I went to work (we took the day off) to read a wonderful, long email from Israel and wrote a great, big response in which I realized several things I wasn’t aware of about myself. I returned home, ate a salami sandwich with a coke and barbeque chips and continued my conversation with Dad about real estate (a surprisingly interesting topic). Dad and Deb are in the process of selling their house (the price of real estate here is ridiculous) and my thoughts have frequently turned to house hunting, apartment renting and decorating over the past few weeks. It’s strange thinking about the future.

So, I might be going with to New Port, Rhode Island with the parents for a couple days. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to (conversation can be a bit awkward), but I think I’d really enjoy a few days of beach combing and relaxing. It’s strange that it’s the summer and I’m talking about taking some time off to relax. It’s not like I’ve had a huge amount to do or anything (as evidence by my posts), but I’ve been rather tense and stressed.

Isn’t it strange how life shifts from being centered around your family to people of no real relation who know more about you than your family ever did (almost)? I want my own life. I want to be an adult. I’m almost ready. Give me one more year of semi-independence with the comfort of friends and reliability of caf food and I think I’ll be ready. I don’t want to live with my parents anymore. I want to visit them. Am I coming of age? Strange.

I miss you all.

Another unnecessary update

So, I’m capturing hours of footage on a cheap program we just bought because our $15,000 editing system won’t capture. Great huh? It’s the most un-intuitive program I’ve used. I have to edit a video for Sunday after I capture everything. My weekend should be full of editing. It’s a good thing I don’t have a social life or I’d be a bit disappointed. I’m actually excited about the prospect of having something to do with my time. Wow, how sad.

Um…I’m ready to go back to school…still. Only a month (ish). I have two weeks left here and then I leave for my mission trip. I’m really excited about this. Not so much for the trip itself but because it signals the end of summer. I am looking forward to investing in the girls on the trip though.

Dad and Deb questioned/interviewed/interrogated me about At the Well the other night. I felt like I was talking to school administration again: What exactly do you do? Who talks about this? People just talk about masturbation and homosexuality? It was interesting. My mom said recently that I was like a foreigner to her because my decisions and interests were so unusual. She wasn’t being cruel or anything, just expressing the otherness of my life now. I’m feeling more and more foreign from the world around me. I look forward to getting back to the country of JBU where at least some people understand my unusual interest in sexuality and the non-traditional dating relationship I’m involved in.

My little interview did refocus me on At the Well and my thesis however. I’m ready to get back to those things. I’m ready to pursue my interests. So, how about you give me a little thesis help. Here are some current ideas:

- The shift in women’s self-perception since the sexual revolution
- Defeminization (I’m pretty sure I made this word up): the rejection of traditionally feminine roles and behaviors (i.e. motherhood, marriage, vulnerability) in exchange for masculine
- Woman: Crown of Creation or Less than Man? (Exploring opposing interpretations of a Biblical understanding of women)

I have other ideas, but these are the ones I remembered and currently find most interesting. I’m still not entirely sure how this whole thesis research thing will work but a documentary on these issues would certainly be interesting…to me at least. So, what do you think? Other ideas? Suggestions? Comments? I need feed back! I require you to comment….please.

Hello Again. Do I start every post like this? I’m back from eight days and 11 videos of camp. Overall it was an enjoyable experience. I liked being busy. I liked editing, although two to three videos a day is a bit much. Now I’m back and not entirely sure if I’ll have anything to do with the rest of my time. Our editing system has to be returned in order to work out a few bugs. We’re not entirely sure when it will be back…so, I’ll either be busy editing or sitting around with nothing to do. Exciting options.

Saturday I saw Batman with my dad and bought three classic romances written by women – Wuthering Heights, Sense and Sensibility and Jane Eyre (one of my favorite books). I should be done with Wuthering Heights by tomorrow. Hopefully these books will last. I suppose I could always go back to B&N to buy some more 3 for the price of 2 books.

I think that this week, since I’m almost positive I’ll have nothing to do, I will attempt to solidify my post-JBU plans. I’m going to do some more seminary research. I should be doing thesis research…but that requires trips to NYC…and I’d prefer not to go there unless I’ll be seeing a show.

Um…I’m ready to go back to school. Really ready. Can’t it start this week? Well, perhaps the next month will be packed with adventure that will speed August to me before I know it….right….